There’s a Pants Party
and we’d really like
you to come.

But first, we need to test your knowledge of safer sex. You’re only invited to the pants party if your sex smarts are up to snuff.

Question 1

What is the best way to help prevent STI transmission (besides entering into a monogamous relationship with your hand)?

  1. Always have sex in a pool or hot tub. Chlorine is toxic to sex viruses and germs.
    Not so! If you are rubbing someone else's bits with yours, then germs can pass between you. Chlorine is not a sexual disinfectant.
  2. Oral play only, and always brush and floss
    Oral hygiene is important, but even the cleanest mouths can pass STIs.
  3. A condom.
    When it comes to helping prevent STI transmission, the condom is King. Or Queen, because box liners are a thing too.

Question 2

If a condom falls off during the horizontal mambo, what does that mean?

  1. It means size DOES matter!
    We're kidding, guess again. But seriously -- make sure you buy condoms that fit. They come in small, medium, large, and even moose sausage.
  2. You need to start buying lube in bulk.
    Half points for this one. Too much friction can make the baggie fall off your wangy, so lube can help. But that's not the first thing you should consider if this happens.
  3. You should get tested for STIs and pregnancy.
    Yes. If a condom falls off during your box social, you may have been exposed to your partner's body fluids, which could contain STIs or cause pregnancy so get tested. And if you're not already using The Pill, you should skip on over to the pharmacy within 72 hours and pick up your own back-up plan in a box: Plan B Emergency Contraceptive.

Question 3

Red Alert! The condom broke while the P was in the V! What's a viable way to try and prevent pregnancy?

  1. Douching will rinse out or kill those invaders and prevent a bigger one from taking up residence for nine months.
    If you use this method to prevent pregnancy, then you are the douche. You may even push the baby gravy further into the oven.
  2. It's time to turn to Plan B.
    You're thinking with the right head. A highly effective emergency contraceptive is available in most family planning sections. If you can't find it, just ask the pharmacist. Plan B can be taken within 72 hours of unprotected sex -- and you can even park in the space reserved for expectant mothers! And don't forget STI testing!
  3. Shoot some spermicide in after those swimmers.
    Not a chance -- those boys are fast. Spermicide should be used immediately before playing hide the salami, not after the game is done.
  4. Dance around, see if you can shake 'em out.
    Dancing around like that is more likely to make it rain.

Question 4

True or false: STIs only pass by penetration like swallowing the meat popsicle, munching the pink taco, riding the slip-n-slide, or going in the backdoor.

  1. True
    ENNNH WRONG. Penetration (whether it's oral, vaginal, or anal) is the most likely way to pass STIs, but a few actually pass by skin-to-skin contact, including some of the most common like HPV and herpes.
  2. False
    True dat! Some STIs live on the skin so handskis and fingerbanging can pass certain STIs like HPV or herpes.

Question 5

What question should you ask someone before sharing a naughty nightcap?

  1. Could you make your cat look away?
    Dude. No. Right now, you should be more concerned with your underwear eel or panty hamster.
  2. Top or bottom?
    Oh stop it. The only position you need to worry about is making sure your raincoat is on right.
  3. You're sure we're not cousins, right?
    It's a small world, but no -- wrong answer.
  4. When was your last STI test?
    Exactly. Before you even take your socks off, make sure your new partner is taking care down there too.

Question 6

The person you want to get off with says they have a cold sore coming on. If you want to practice safer sex, what can you do?

  1. Just don't kiss them on the mouth.
    Don't unzip just yet. Mouth-to-mouth is a common way to transmit the herpes virus, but it can pass from just about any skin-to-skin contact and from one part of the body to another. And don't forget, just because your play date doesn't have a cold sore, doesn't mean they don't have herpes. The best protection against herpes is a condom.
  2. Coat yourself in Abreva and get freaky.
    You really will seem like a freak crusted with medical cream. If you want to avoid contracting a STI like herpes, then you need to choose an actual form of protection like a condom or oral dam.
  3. Stick to gobbling the peenie weenie or the furburger.
    Access denied! Whether you are going down or lying back, these sexy kisses can pass STIs like the herpes virus. Cold sores are a sign that the person is contagious, however you can still catch it even if there are no symptoms. A condom or oral dam is your best method to prevent transmission of the herpes virus.
  4. Get sexy with latex.
    You've got the know-how for protecting yourself against STIs. Latex condoms and oral dams are the best line of defense against the herpes virus, even if there are no outward signs of infection.

Question 7

No means no, but what does it mean to say yes?

  1. Saying yes because you want to say yes.
    Exactly. Is there any word sexier than yes, whether it's a whisper or a scream? C is also true.
  2. Not saying no.
    Talk to the hand. Not all communication is verbal, and someone who doesn't want to make whoopee might use their body language to communicate that they don't want to.
  3. Your decision-making is not impaired.
    Yes, you have to understand what's happening to be able to consent. This means, you're not drunk, high, or unconscious. A is also true.

Question 8

Lots of people are interested in anal sex. BUTT how can you take care down there if you want to do it safer-style?

  1. Lotsa lube and go to it.
    Lube is important, especially around the butthole since it doesn't make its own and lining is more delicate and is more likely to tear than other orifices. But that is not all you need.
  2. Use a spermicide.
    NIMBY! You need to study up on safer anal sex, and probably human anatomy. Spermicide is a form of contraception, not STI protection -- and since you can't get pregnant through the butt, sense this does not make. Spermicides up the back way can also cause irritation in the poop chute.
  3. Make sure Little Johnny is wearing his raincoat.
    Good call. In addition to STIs, anal sex increases the likelihood of other infections. So love right and use a condom. AND lots of love jelly, because you need lube to get in the mood.
And now,

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