There’s a Pants Party
and we’d really like
you to come.

But first, we need to test your knowledge of safer sex. You’re only invited to the pants party if your sex smarts are up to snuff.

Question 1

True or false. You will always know if your junk's got the funk.

  1. True.
    No. STIs often show no symptoms. If left undetected and untreated, they can cause serious damage like infertility, even cancer. So take care down there and get tested
  2. False.
    Got that right. An STI doesn't always announce itself as spots on your crotch. They don't call gonorrhea The Clap because it applauds to get your attention. They're sneaky like that. An STI test is the only sure way to know if you're carrying a sexual stowaway.

Question 2

What is the best lube to pair with a latex willy wrapper?

  1. Baby oil
    Om, no. Unless you want to increase your chances of making a baby to give you an endless supply of baby oil and other infant-produced fluids, don't use this after you've got your rubber on.
  2. Butter
    "Butter the muffin" is a euphemism, not a sex tip. For the best lube, don't venture into the dairy aisle, stick with the family planning section
  3. Water-based lubes
    Yes. Water-based lube is a baloney pony's best friend.
  4. Petroleum jelly
    Hells to the no. Petroleum means oil. Oil eats latex. So if you use petroleum jelly with your condom, you could end up spilling fluids during your jam session.

Question 3

A new partner tells you they don't want to use condoms because they are allergic. You should:

  1. Assume they are lying and that they just don't want to use condoms.
    A latex allergy is pretty common and isn't an excuse for raw doggin' it -- there are lots of latex-free alternatives
  2. Ask them to confirm their STI status before getting your boink on.
    You know what's worse than finding out your new bed buddy is turned on by feet? Finding out they have chlamydia. It's definitely good practice to ask any new partner when they were last tested for STIs and what their results were, but you should also look into protection that fits you and your partner.
  3. Suggest a latex-free condom, maybe with a crazy colour to add to the fun.
    Exactly. Check out the condom buffet because there's lot of choice: different materials, sizes, colours, and flavours.

Question 4

You don't need an STI test if:

  1. You're the only one who has ever played with your nether regions.
    The safest sex you can have is with yourself.
  2. You're in a monogamous relationship with someone.
    Not quite right. A monogamous relationship can help lower your risk of catching an STI, especially if you love with the glove. But when you have sex with someone, you're having sex with everyone they've ever had sex with and some STIs can remain dormant for years. If you're playing sex degrees of separation, get an STI test.
  3. You've had the HPV vaccine.
    HPV is one of the most common STIs, but these vaccines don't protect you from other STIs nor all the different HPV strains (and there are many).

Question 5

Red Alert! The condom broke while the P was in the V! What's a viable way to try and prevent pregnancy?

  1. Douching will rinse out or kill those invaders and prevent a bigger one from taking up residence for nine months.
    If you use this method to prevent pregnancy, then you are the douche. You may even push the baby gravy further into the oven.
  2. It's time to turn to Plan B.
    You're thinking with the right head. A highly effective emergency contraceptive is available in most family planning sections. If you can't find it, just ask the pharmacist. Plan B can be taken within 72 hours of unprotected sex -- and you can even park in the space reserved for expectant mothers! And don't forget STI testing!
  3. Shoot some spermicide in after those swimmers.
    Not a chance -- those boys are fast. Spermicide should be used immediately before playing hide the salami, not after the game is done.
  4. Dance around, see if you can shake 'em out.
    Dancing around like that is more likely to make it rain.

Question 6

What question should you ask someone before sharing a naughty nightcap?

  1. Could you make your cat look away?
    Dude. No. Right now, you should be more concerned with your underwear eel or panty hamster.
  2. Top or bottom?
    Oh stop it. The only position you need to worry about is making sure your raincoat is on right.
  3. You're sure we're not cousins, right?
    It's a small world, but no -- wrong answer.
  4. When was your last STI test?
    Exactly. Before you even take your socks off, make sure your new partner is taking care down there too.

Question 7

No means no, but what does it mean to say yes?

  1. Saying yes because you want to say yes.
    Exactly. Is there any word sexier than yes, whether it's a whisper or a scream? C is also true.
  2. Not saying no.
    Talk to the hand. Not all communication is verbal, and someone who doesn't want to make whoopee might use their body language to communicate that they don't want to.
  3. Your decision-making is not impaired.
    Yes, you have to understand what's happening to be able to consent. This means, you're not drunk, high, or unconscious. A is also true.

Question 8

Lots of people are interested in anal sex. BUTT how can you take care down there if you want to do it safer-style?

  1. Lotsa lube and go to it.
    Lube is important, especially around the butthole since it doesn't make its own and lining is more delicate and is more likely to tear than other orifices. But that is not all you need.
  2. Use a spermicide.
    NIMBY! You need to study up on safer anal sex, and probably human anatomy. Spermicide is a form of contraception, not STI protection -- and since you can't get pregnant through the butt, sense this does not make. Spermicides up the back way can also cause irritation in the poop chute.
  3. Make sure Little Johnny is wearing his raincoat.
    Good call. In addition to STIs, anal sex increases the likelihood of other infections. So love right and use a condom. AND lots of love jelly, because you need lube to get in the mood.
And now,

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